* Bush said the war was to "fight evil." So where did all the torture come from?

* If you lost a loved one in the war, blame Bush, not the citizens of Iraq.

* President Bush is a weapon of mass destruction, although he clearly is not a smart bomb.

* Be weary of a President who says, "I feel good," as he's marching us into war.

* Freedom isn't free, but it can't be bought with blood.

* Real conservatives don't start wars. It's a waste of money.

* War is a sign of failure, not strength.

* War makes us weak, not strong.

* If we want other countries to destroy their weapons of mass destruction, we need to give them assurances that we will do the same.

* Do you think it's a fair trade: Our young soldiers lives for revenge and cheap oil?

* One of my questions is: Can we trust Hillary. She fell for Bush's lies.

* If it looks like a donut, smells like a donut, feels like a donut, and tastes like a donut, don't let a cop see it.
* The older you get, the more likely it is you'll forget to pay.
* Republicans never eat donuts with sprinkles on top. Way too risky.
* Never buy a paper until you see if someone else did.
* Never discuss same sex marriages.
* The men love to talk about sex. The women love to talk about anything else.
* It doesn't get any better than that first cup of coffee in the morning, with a group of friends who you can rely on to argue with just about everything you say.
* Donuts have no redeeming qualities, which is why they taste so good. Like they say, "A donut a day keeps the oatmeal away."

Yeah, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, for I have bought me a brand new 9mm. Thy rod and thy staff will no longer be necessary.

from "The Peever Turns Religious, A Baptism by Fire".

* Fools often fall in love. Unfortunately, they usually reproduce.
* The best things in life are free. Of course, so are some of the worst.
* Sure you think you're right, but I know better.
* Politicians waste a lot of time wasting our money.
* If you have a kid acting up, run away from home.
* If you're on a low-fat, no sugar, low cholesterol diet, kiss your taste buds goodbye.
* Imagine you had everything you wanted. You'd still want more.
* If you claim to be a Christian, but oppose stem-cell research, or support war, find a new hobby.
* Getting married before the age of twenty-five can cause premature loss of youth.
* Guns don't kill people. The loss of blood from the wound caused by the bullet does.
* Don't be a parent until you understand the damage you can cause.
* Given the laws of probability, surely not every dummy is a lawyer.
* One out of every four people will grow up to be a human being. The others will end up being something lesser.
* Elections are a poor substitute for democracy, which requires citizen action.
* Out of six billion people on Earth, what would be the likelihood that we would end up with the dumbest one for a President?
* Still, life is good, unless, of course, you end up with diarrhea and vomiting at the same time. Then it turns crappy, real quick.

OXYMORON #41: GOVERNMENT ASSISTANCE