"EVERY GUN THAT IS MADE, EVERY WARSHIP LAUNCHED, EVERY ROCKET FIRED SIGNIFIES, IN THE FINAL SENSE, A THEFT FROM THOSE WHO HUNGER AND ARE NOT FED, THOSE WHO ARE COLD AND ARE NOT CLOTHED." Dwight Eisenhower

* Dear Mr. Peever: Why do you start a lot of our columns with bumper stickers? Dave
Dear Dave: Bumper stickers are short and simple. Get it?

* Peever: Why are you against the war? Sam
Dear Sam: I do not think killing leads to peace. If I did, I'd be shooting all my neighbors.

* Mr. Bruce: You seem increasingly upset with Mr. Bush. He is, after all, our President. Shouldn't you show him some respect? Alice
Dear Alice: I have officially declared him, "Not My President." He is a despicable, conceited, lying human being. (The human being part I'm still debating). The only job I see him fit for is Queen of England. Then he could consummate his relationship with Tony Blair. That would be good for the tabloids, helping Bush to make a real contribution to humanity.

* Dear Peever: I hear you're getting a new super Wal-Mart down the street. I bet you're thrilled. Larry
Dear Larry: I'm tickled pink.

* Dear Mr. Peever: Your thoughts on Dick Cheney? Colin
Dear Colin: His first name says it all.

* Dear Bruce: Anything on Paris Hilton? Sally
Dear Sally: She's sure pretty. I wish I could have gone to jail with her. I could have helped her get through it.

* Peever: What do you think about the movie, "Sicko?" George
Dear George: I thought it was very good and very necessary. It will likely win another Oscar for Mr. Moore. Washington hates it, which is a great endorsement. Our health-care system is bad. Just the other day, I saw a prescription given to an 84 year old woman for $3400 for a thirty day supply. That's obscene.

1. Spend more time singing. If you can't carry a tune, sing louder.
2. Spend more time dancing. But don't sing and dance at the same time.
3. Write a book about your life. Is it a comedy or tragedy?
4. Cook a meal for someone you like.
5. Read my new book, "How I got over being a human."
6. If you have the urge to lie, go to law school.
7. Help someone to help themselves. Sort of like the government helps themselves to our money.
8. Buy a new car. In fact, buy two new cars. The economy needs the help.
9. Hug your children, but check your pockets afterward to make sure your wallet is still there.
10. Pray, pray, pray. Then tee it up.
11. Don't smoke, drink, or have sex. Or is that drink, have sex, then smoke?
12. Go to a local diner in the morning for coffee and listen to the advice being given. This is better than calling a psychic, but not quite as good as a fortune cookie.
13. Start exercising. This requires getting up off the couch, taking a deep breath, and sitting back down.
14. Read something worthwhile. That eliminates most things, but I would refer you to number 5.
15. Go back to school, preferably not while in prison.
16. And finally, think positive, for it is positive thinking that has gotten us where we are.

Michael Moore's new film, "Sicko", is an excellent piece of work. He'll win another Oscar. As for as our health-care system, it definitely is stinko. I recently say an anti-tumor cancer medication prescribed to an 84 year old woman, that cost $3400 for a 30 day supply. That's obscene and approaches the unethical category. The pharmaceutical industry and the AMA should both be sued for theft.

YOU LAUGH BECAUSE I'M DIFFERENT. I LAUGH BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL THE SAME.